As Life Goes On

Blog Post #4: In Baton Rouge - Finished The Moviegoer and now currently reading A Lesson Before Dying

How often do you think about the meaning of life? Does it constantly run through your mind, or do you hardly think of it at all? In the past, and even still sometimes today, I have always had this bad habit of constantly thinking about the meaning of life and just how my life should be lived to the point where it would stress me out. For days on end, I found myself stressing about the life I want to live or the life that I felt I should be living, instead of just…living. The overwhelming emotions I feel in relation to life itself still plague my mind at certain times, usually when I’m alone with my thoughts, laying in bed before I go to sleep. Although with that being said, I’ve gotten a lot better at not letting it all get to me. I hope what I am trying to explain is making sense because as I sit here writing, everything sounds right in my head. Maybe you could understand what I am saying because you have also felt this way before, or maybe you don’t, and that’s totally fine too. 

Everyone interprets the term “meaning of life” so differently and I think that it depends on how they see their life going or even what they find so significant to live a life they love. In accordance to stressing about a life I wanted to possibly live I also found myself always wanting to be this perfect image of myself that I created in my head. I felt like I had to become this person I wanted to be, not just externally, but physically and mentally as well. I would tell myself “when I become that Maya, things will be great. My life will be great and I will be perfect”, but of course I could never get to the accomplishment of becoming that person or living the life I had created in my head because I had set this unrealistic standard that was impossible to reach. And you want to know what the funny thing is? If you were to ask me now what that life that I had desperately wanted looked like, I couldn’t tell you what it was I wanted to achieve, I just wanted to feel right in life. I wanted this content feeling of how things were going for me and I just never felt that and I honestly never thought I would or even come close. As the days went on, as the months and years went on and I was still consumed by this immense feeling of not amounting to everything I wanted and thought I needed in myself and in my life, the days blurred and everyday just became the same. It was a never ending cycle and I wanted to get beyond that. It wasn’t until I started to look at everything from a different point of view. What exactly was I trying to achieve? And most of all what exactly was I doing to make things better for myself? Of course I wasn't doing enough.

The book Moviegoer was a book that I had a hard time understanding until I got through most of it and finished reading it all. I feel like this book was one of those ones where you had to get through the whole story to understand everything, as if the beginning and middle made sense once you got to the end. Although Binx and my own experience were different in many ways, I felt like I resonated with some of what happened to him. I think that people always interpret and  take very different ideas from certain books they read and I felt that this was one of those books where it was just so easy for that to happen. When we were lying on the grass under a shaded tree having our discussion about the book and as we were all speaking and saying what we took from the book and what we thought it was about, some people mentioned relationships and religion and although I did connect those things to the book, I really resonated with “the search”. What I took from the book was Binx’s journey to becoming content with his life and just accepting what was possibly meant for him. For so much of the book it seemed like he was trying to be like the people in the movies he saw, and he was being pressured by his aunt to follow a certain path in his life when she told him to go to medical school. In the end it seemed like he fell into what felt right for him, and everything worked out. I’m not saying his and I’s experiences are the same by any means, but I feel like to me a part of my own self reflection and realizations are similar in some way. I realized that I was living in this bubble of constant unrealistic standards, and this constant stress that I felt to live a certain way was my search and I needed to get beyond my “everydayness” of life. Being stuck in that bubble and toxic cycle made me forget to appreciate life as it is and this trip is teaching me a lot without me even noticing.  

Not in a million years did I think that I would have the opportunity to experience such an amazing trip for a class. Applying to go on a trip out of a state that I have never really left before was already a terrifying big step. Now that I am here I would say that I’ve probably done more new things on this trip alone than in my whole life. It almost makes me sad, just how little I have done in my twenty one years of being on this earth. I’m eating new foods I’ve never tried before, I’ve been on a boat for the very first time, and most importantly I’m making new friends with strangers. Usually it’s so hard for me to get to know people and make friends, so I try not to do it often, but I did this time and I’m happy. I’m appreciating and loving the way it smells outside after it rains, the warm wind whipping past my skin, and the beautiful nature that I am able to capture through pictures as the trip goes on. Although I was doing better at not stressing about my life before coming out here to Louisiana, I truly do think that this trip will leave me with a shifted mindset. That I’ll return home going through life differently. This is so much to unpack and even though all of this isn’t what I took from the Moviegoer and Binx’s life, the book and his story did elicit a lot of these thoughts. 

Today, I’m learning not to stress about my life and the things that I can’t control. I’m learning not to rush things, to just let life be beautiful and eventful. I’m learning to be happy with things as they are now and to be present. And most importantly, I’m learning to appreciate life in general because I only have this one. I can’t waste it on living in the bubble of my “everydayness”. Today I am just…living.

Coming Through History

Blog Post#3: Still Currently in New Orleans - Finished reading Coming Through Slaughter and now reading The Moviegoer

Started Writing on May 27, 2022

No matter how much you know, or how much you think you know, there’s still always so much to learn. During my time in New Orleans, I have learned something new everyday. I think it makes things easier because I am literally visiting a brand new place I have never been to for the first time, but at the same time it feels so much more bigger than just learning new things in a new place. New Orleans is a city that has so much history a part of it. It is in the build of the city, the tragedies it has gone through, the incredibly unique traditions, and even the people that live here and as a class we’ve been able to see a variety of museums and exhibits focusing on different things connected to New Orleans. 

We got to visit the Whitney Plantation, the Mardi Gras exhibit, and an exhibit about the hurricanes that New Orleans has been through, including hurricane Katrina. The place that left me feeling so much emotionally was the Whitney Plantation. I myself, being a person of color, and my parents have always made it a habit to learn about my past and history, especially when it comes to slavery. I like learning about it and I feel like I know a good amount about things that happened during slavery, but this visit to the plantation showed me that I still have so much to learn. It opened my eyes to just how bad things were back then, and hearing about some of the first hand experiences from people who were in the middle of everything while it was happening was like taking a slap to the face. When we had first arrived to the plantation we were given a souvenir about the life of an actual slave who had lived on the plantation and I think it all hit even harder when I was walking through this area in the plantation about all the experiences of many slaves that spanned over a decade and I actually found the name of the person I received on the wall. Her name was Ceceil George and she actually had a life on the Whitney Plantation and she was apart what makes the history there. Going there made me want to learn even more about slavery and I am going to make it an even bigger goal of mine to do just that. One of the things that I appreciated the most about the plantation was that it catered to remembering the slaves, not the people that owned. It was dedicated to learning about the lives of the slaves whether that was their names, their experiences, how they ran things as workers, and their own history. I’m glad I was able to visit. 

The Mardi Gras exhibit was very informative because all of the things I thought I knew about Mardi Gras were either wrong or had much more depth to it. It was extremely fascinating to learn how it was created and how it became what it is today. The exhibit also consisted of a variety of different outfits people wore on the floats. What I didn’t know was that a lot of the outfits actually had a lot of meaning behind them. I had assumed that some of the outfits were created for the aesthetic, but I was quite wrong. Lastly, right under the Mardi Gras exhibit was the one about the hurricanes. This one left me with a feeling similar to the one I felt after leaving the plantation because I knew that all of these tragic stories were about actual real people. Once again, I got to hear a lot about first hand experiences from people that lived through the hurricanes. I would have to say my favorite part about this exhibit was the ordinary heroes part. It was the part that was dedicated to random pedestrians who were seen as heroes because of the helpful things they did for people whether that was helping people get out of their flooding homes or helping a woman give birth on the street after the hurricanes had ripped through the city. New Orleans carries so much history and I love that it is memorialized here to be remembered and never forgotten. 

As I was visiting all of these locations about the history of New Orleans, I couldn’t help but think about the assigned book Coming Through Slaughter. Although this book is about the life of the infamous Buddy Bolden it also is about the history that connects to him and what New Orleans was like during the time he was alive. We literally got to visit the exact area where he grew up in New Orleans, which was quite surreal. One of my favorite things about this class and one of the reasons why I liked Coming Through Slaughter was because of the fact that it was about a real person and this class focuses on learning about the past and just how important it is for how things are today in this historical city. As the days go on and this trip comes closer to ending, it truly saddens me. Not only am I sad about possibly leaving the people that I now consider friends, I am sad to not continue learning more about New Orleans while being here. There is and always will be much more to learn, day after day.

Bonding Through The Culture…and Traumatic Experiences

Blog Post #2: Currently in New Orleans- Just finished reading Interview With The Vampire 

Started writing on May 20, 2022 at 9:55 p.m.

Los Angeles and New Orleans, two states in the same country, yet they feel like two completely different worlds apart. The way of life in Los Angeles, a place where I’ve spent the entire twenty-one years of life, almost feels like a fever dream that I left behind and I’ve only been in New Orleans for about 6 days. That isn’t even a whole entire week. Leaving Los Angeles to go to Grand Isle was an adjustment, and then to go from Grand Isle to New Orleans was an even bigger drastic change. It felt like I had to quickly become accustomed to my surroundings and the realization of just how contrasting things are in New Orleans to Grand Isle’s calming fortress of solitude hit me right in the face the exact first night here. 

My peers and I checked into the hotel with the anticipation of exploring the city that very first night. We had all decided that we would go to Bourbon street. What I was expecting was for all of us to have an incredibly fun night full of the infamous New Orleans culture, which we did indeed get, but not exactly how we wanted. What came with the great side of the New Orleans culture, also came the bad side of it. The beginning of our night was filled with live jazz music played in the streets, colored beads flying in the air, the loud laughs of people having a good time, and the big rush of people that consisted of tourists and people who live here. The flashing neon lights almost blinded me as I was being pulled along with the rest of the group. We walked down Bourbon street and I have to say, it was a lot to take in. The night took a drastic turn for the worst when six of us decided that we wanted to step into a quiet IHOP for dinner. Before even getting our food we were exposed to the crime in New Orleans. We had to run out of IHOP terrified, and then we encountered a very rude server when we tried to order pizza. The one thing that kept running through my mind that night was “when will it end?”. We hadn’t even been in New Orleans for a full twenty-fours and we had already seen and been through so much. It was as if the culture of the infamous city that I was so excited to see and experience hit me all at once and I had to play catch up so I could become acquainted with everything. I was hoping to do that gradually as the days went on, but the new city definitely had other plans. I saw New Orleans much differently after that first night. I sort of feel like even though what we experienced was unfortunate and somewhat traumatizing I kind of see it as a blessing and a curse because it showed me a lot. I’m glad I know how the city actually is, instead of continuing to believe this made up perfect setting that lived in my head. 

“I understand, I am just beginning, I am just beginning to understand.”

— Anne Rice

With all negative things aside, I found myself wanting to know more about the city. Wanting to know just what made this city the way it was, crime included. I wanted to know why so many people always feel the need to tell me and my peers to “be careful out here” when they notice that we aren’t from New Orleans. I was hungry to learn more and gain as much knowledge as I can about this city that I was going to be residing in for a couple of weeks and I knew that I couldn't do this without immersing myself into everything as a whole. The culture, the music, the people, the parades, and the streets is all I wanted to see and explore. That is exactly what me and my peers did and I would say that it has brought us as a group so much closer. These feelings that consumed me reminded me so much of Louis and Claudia from Interview With The Vampire when they were trying to seek the knowledge they craved from Lestat and he wasn’t telling them anything they wanted to know, so they took matters into their own hands and searched for it. Well… I don’t think I myself would take such a violent approach like they did, but the point of going out of my way to absorb as much knowledge about the city of New Orleans was definitely met. 

During my time here, the whole class has done a lot! We’ve explored the French Quarter many times and even all got matching tee shirts from a local boutique, seen a couple of parks, danced to the live jazz music played on the streets, tried a plethora of cajun food, celebrated a special someone’s birthday, visited a pharmacy and voodoo museum, went to a huge street parade—which I have to say was one of my favorite moments—and lastly we explored Bourbon street, during the day time though, and might I add it felt much safer to walk around there this time. We even got to examine and enjoy the beautiful architecture of the houses and buildings in the city. Many of the houses were such crazy bright colors, hot pink, purple, and lime green. If I had to choose, my favorite house that we visited was definitely the house they used to film season three of American Horror Story: Coven! The parade itself was such an eye opening experience full of rich culture that you could not see anywhere else, but in New Orleans. The best thing about doing all of these things is that we as a class got to do it all together. While experiencing everything as a class, I can see they have the same drive as I do to absorb all the knowledge they possibly can about this incredible city we have the privilege of learning about. Exploring the city together has brought us all so much closer. I haven’t known everyone here that long, but surprisingly we all feel like family already. We care so deeply for each other and I truly do think that the want and love for exploring the city as a group is the reason for that. I know that once this trip is over and we go back home, we will all continue to be so close and stay in touch. If I am being completely honest, I believe that it was that crazy moment in IHOP on the first night where I felt like some of us bonded over something, even if it wasn’t the best thing to experience. It was then when I realized that in any situation, we all have each other’s backs and we truly want to see everyone safe. 

While enjoying life in New Orleans and taking it all in, I am starting to realize that every moment is so beautiful and you have to make them all count. Realizing this makes me truly understand the message Louis is trying to get across to the young boy that interviews him. Being immortal makes it harder to enjoy life and appreciate how precious it is. Being mortal and knowing that time is precious, that every breath you take is timed makes you enjoy life and the connections you make much more. 

“Every moment must be first known and then savored.”

— Anne Rice

Besides the incredible and interesting information I’m learning about the history of the city and how it came to be, I am also learning the importance of friendship. All of my peers have gotten me through a lot mentally, emotionally, and academically. I am very excited to continue growing these friendships and am very grateful that I am able to do so. May this trip continue to be one for the books…and not have us encounter any more traumatic experiences.

My Time in Grand Isle

Post #1: Just finished reading The Awakening by Kate Chopin 

Written May 16, 2022 at 10:42 p.m. 

What does it mean to really be free? This is such a complex yet simple question that could be answered in a variety of ways by a multitude of different people. Each person you ask could give you a very different answer according to their meaning of  “being free”, possibly connecting their answer to their own personal life and unfortunate hardships. The one thing that leaves me constantly deep in thought and incredibly fascinated is the fact that no one will truly and deeply understand anyone’s answer personally. 

This is a question I have been repeatedly asking myself during my time on the Grand Isle. It’s quiet here, maybe a little too quiet. To the point where I sometimes feel like all I have to occupy myself with are my incessant thoughts and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing…or a bad thing. Coming from Los Angeles, a place where I feel like it’s common and expected to be overstimulated all the time, it’s a drastic change coming to the Grand Isle. It’s so peaceful and the days feel much longer. When I first got here I had this overwhelming feeling of unnecessary stress and I felt like I should be doing something all the time, which isn’t the case and being here has shown me that. I have the opportunity to be in an incredibly peaceful environment and the freedom to do what I want with my time. 

I was laying on the hammock outside yesterday, when it hit me. It was at that exact moment when I realized that this feeling I’m feeling right now is what it feels like to be free…or at least to me. If you were to ask me any other time my answer would probably be different. You could ask me the day after, a week, maybe even in a month and my answer could be different. 

The Awakening was a book of such descriptive emotion. I found myself relating to Edna many times as I was reading. There have been many times where I was feeling a myriad of emotions and I just couldn’t find a way to put what I was feeling into words and Chopin did just that. Although I say that I have felt a lot of what Edna was feeling, like I said before, no one including myself can truly understand what she is going through except herself. Emotion is a complex thing and The Awakening showed that for me. Sitting on the beach, touching the sand, and being in the water, along with reading the book, helped me sort through these anxious feelings that overcame me at random times throughout the day. It was such a surreal feeling when a wave of calmness and freedom washed over me. People see the word freedom so differently and my time on the Grand Isle felt like freedom itself. I had the freedom to just be and exist and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that before. My time on the Grand Isle will forever be remembered.